INTIMACY: 7 WAYS TO GET MORE OF IT IN YOUR MARRIAGE


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What creates emotional intimacy? One thing’s for sure – it’s the way to a more deeply satisfying relationship. But how? Well this summer, I learned some secrets – some practical steps for getting there. I had the joy of hearing psychologist Dr. James Coffield reveal 7 simple ways to improve intimacy in our relationships.
 
Emotional Intimacy: It’s Predictable Based on Some Simple Factors
 
1. Share common tasks together. Whether it’s doing yard work, raising children, volunteering for worthy causes — do things together on a regular basis. It’s bonding.
 
2. Seek out new and novel experiences together. Sensory adaptation happens. This means that when we do something over and over, it loses its thrill over time. This has been proven biochemically in the way our brains work. Another way of putting it is that “routine kills.” So while it IS important to establish meaningful repetitive activities, our marriages get a boost when we do new things together. Some examples? Take a class together, try out new restaurants, explore tourist areas in your own region, read a book together in a different location each week. Find other ideas in your local newspaper or city website.  Spiritually, emotionally, and physically, humans are wired to respond to novel stimuli.
 
3. Make it a goal to be vulnerable with each other regularly in your communication. This means sharing your hurts, fears, worries, and joys, having established a relationship where it is safe to do so.
Some couples establish a habit of sharing one high and one low from their day. Your goal is to talk openly about your feelings with each other as a way of life.
 
4. Talk about your hopes and dreams together. Make a date to go out for dinner and talk about your individual hopes and dreams, as well as those you can create as a couple. Be sure to affirm and encourage one another.
 
5. Shared spirituality. Wherever you each are in your spiritual lives, plan ways to talk about your journeys. You could have a designated mealtime each week to explore this topic, read a book together and discuss it, or set up a regular time to pray together.
 
6. Shared physicality. Make it a goal to touch each other lovingly throughout the day. If your sex life needs help, there are many good books on this topic. Try reading one together, or seek counseling.
 
7. Focused time. Our lives are way too busy. Set up a time daily just to talk about your day, even if only for a few minutes. If you have four children, talking together for even a few minutes daily is a great goal! And go out for a date night each week. Even if all of your children are grown, taking the time to go out rather than just being at home for your together time, adds spark and spunk to your relationship.
 
Your Intimacy Homework                                                           
 
Set up a date this week to go out for dinner, and take this list of seven intimacy items with you. Talk together about each item, thinking of one thing you can do to grow in this area. But for this homework assignment, don’t talk about what you are NOT doing. All of us can list many things we aren’t doing right. Instead, decide on one thing you CAN do, even if it’s small. Remember that we all get tired and relationships are hard. Don’t use this information to criticize each other or your marriage. Think of what you can do to move forward a little.                                              
 
Small choices can make incredible differences in your marriage! Baby steps can take you a long way!